Mindless MRT Morons Part 326


God, this is soooooo good, I think everyone in this carriage should hear it.


Yes, boys and girls, it’s your friendly local Nightmarketer back on the corner. Been away so long – out of the country again on top secret biz, and up to my neck in work – but I’m like Take That now: Back For Good.

Not only am I back, but I’m that other thing that people who are back often are (especially rappers from what I recall) MAD. You’d be a fool to cross my path. Alas, there are way too many bozos in Taipei City who make that mistake. The numpty above is a prime example.

This pea-brained pranny was listening to her shitty Taiwanese game show on her mobile, complete with those unspeakably stupid sound effects (thing Bruce Wayne Batman “POW! WHAM!” shit here) that these shows have to have, because to not have them would make life so dull. I left her ridiculously selfish carry-on go for a while but a man has to be allowed to hit the local honeys up on hook-up social media in peace without that droning dross in his lughole.

“Turn that fucking shit off before I give you a slap,” I told her. Something like that, though it may have been more like ‘Excuse me, if you want to listen to that, could you use earphones?” My Chinese being very rubbish, I motioned and made it clear what I meant. She pretended not to understand but her acting was about as good as what you see in the poxy soaps (my ex use to love em – part of the reason she’s my ex) that, in between her marathon variety show sessions, she doubtless manages to squeeze into her hectic schedule.

A couple of stops later she got off and then waited til the doors were about to close before shouting “Fuck! Fucky! Fucking you!” Unfortunately for her, the beeping that signifies the doors closing was literally a false alarm and they didn’t close.

Now I get up with my best broad psycho grin on my mug and approach. Cue the most desperate scuttling escape you’ve ever seen in your life. Her flabby little legs were going twenty to the dozen as she disappeared down the platform.

I guess she got home early than usual, so I helped the fathead by giving her a few extra minutes loafing time in front of whatever retarded crap she was watching next. Don’t say FTNM ain’t a considerate bloke.


No Shit

I'd just finished working out at the local gym, and hopped in the shower to clean up. There I was, all set to lay a  nice big log on the shower floor as one naturally does, then I see this busybodying bit of signage.  I ask you, what is going on with the world when one can't shite in the shower of the local public sports centre without fear of recriminations ...?

I’d just finished working out at the local gym, and hopped in the shower to clean up. There I was, all set to lay a nice big log on the shower floor as one naturally does, then I see this busybodying bit of signage.
I ask you, what is going on with the world when one can’t shite in the shower of the local public sports centre without fear of recriminations from some do-gooder …?

Selfish Bastards on the MRT

Rail hogs maximise the space they can take up so they can have it all to themselves.

Rail hogs maximise the space they can take up so they can have it all to themselves.

Finally the fathead on the left grudgingly budges, while Miggins on the left helpfully lifts up a shopping bag, leaving a handbag in place. In any case, it wouldn't have helped the woman in the middle ...

Finally the fathead on the left grudgingly budges, while Miggins on the rights helpfully lifts up a shopping bag, leaving a handbag in place. In any case, it wouldn’t have helped the woman in the middle …

I could write tomes on this. Really. Not a day goes past without some selfish bastard doing some selfish bastardy behaviour on the MRT. This particular ruse I have seen several times. For starters, the types who just put their tiny handbags on these rails as if they can’t carry them for a few stops are bad enough. They often put the bag down and then stand in front of the other half of the rail, essentially not using it but making sure no one else can.

But worse are the pair of dipsticks you can see in the above snaps. The bloke is sitting there with his tiny netbook case occupying enough space on the rest of the rail to make what’s left just too small for anyone to sit on. This bag is so minuscule that I cannot believe that he is putting it there for any other reason than to have the place to himself.

Now we come to the blockhead to the right of him who has gone a step further. She has plonked herself in the middle with her bag to the side so it is impossible for anyone to sit or put anything on the rail. Again, I refuse to believe this is an ‘accident’. It is so strategic, that it is clearly by design.

In the second photo, at last, a tired-looking 60-something woman approached the rails and through her body language basically made no bones about the fact that she wanted to sit down. Still, Mr. iPad slickster made a ‘put out’ expression as he shuffle his bag a few inches to the side, still only enough to allow the woman to perch uncomfortably on the corner as you can see. You will notice that from the first to the second photo, the other moron has picked up her pink paper shopping bag from the right, making a pretence ofhelping to create space without so much as moving one inch! In any case, her other bag remains in place.

I see this kind of selfish bastard idiocy almost every day.  Sometimes I want to give these fools a right slap …

Bad Winners

Some pillock burning a Korean flag in Taipei a few years back.

Some pillock burning a Korean flag in Taipei a few years back.

Now, being a Britisherist, I have no time for the silly girls’ sport known in England as rounders, but I’m glad to see Taiwan doing well at anything. They don’t get a lot of time in the limelight, and when they do, it’s usually for negative reasons brought about by saber-rattling from Big Brother across the Strait. So good on em for getting through to the next round of this baseball thingy that’s going on here in Taiwan, by beating their arch nemesis South Korea 3-2.

There’s just one thing that detracts from all the euphoria and that’s the ugly nationalism that seems to surface anytime Taiwan locks horns with Korea in any arena, be in online gaming or tiddlywinks. You’d think that people would just be happy they qualified. But when I looked at the missus’ FB page this morning (I don’t used the cursed thing), I noticed more comments crowing about the fact the Korea went out (even though they won the game concerned) than there were whoops of joy for Taiwan. Rather mean-spirited and, frankly, lame I thought. Some of these comments were in English (like the people concerned wanted all their English-speaking pals to know such pleasant opinions as: “fuck you cheating Korea, go back home!”).  The majority were in Chinese, which my missus translated, and some of these were really unsavoury.

One that stuck out was when a friend of the missus actually spoke out against all the “kimchi” (as they call them) baiting, saying it was stoked by the media (quite true from what I can see) and that the Koreans were no worse than any other nation when it came to underhand behaviour in sports. Her rational, fair-minded comment was met with a barrage of derision including a comment that my missus helped me translate that ran: “Koreans are especially dirty. anyone who has eyes can see their sly little moves. It’s not the media that is discrediting them, just their own dirty play.” Sounds like racist bollocks to me.

Now I come from a country where that kind of xenophobic ranting is way to prevalent in sport. I suppose the Germans would be our equivalent or Italy if we’re focussing on “cheating”. But even so, you would not get the ludicrous bias that I later had pointed out to me by an American mate  who is a bit more clued up about this stuff. As we (well him, really – I was just an innocent bystander, honest) watched the highlights on ELTA, the TV channel showing the games, he observed that no once did they replay ANY of the Korean action. Even though Taiwan LOST the game, they played the Taiwanese hits and successful plays over and over again in a highlight reel.  This included not ONCE showing the home run that the Korean batter hit off Taiwan’s star pitcher (forget the name), which I think won the game.

I mentioned this to my girlfriend’s mates over a drink and they replied that any country would do the same, favouring the home nation. But think about it. As biased and blinkered as we are back home, can you really imagine the Beeb showing England’s two goals over and over and conveniently leaving out the three, say, Germany scored to win the game. It would be barmy and, quite frankly, embarrassing. It actually sounds more akin to the “alternate reality” type broadcasts you get from totalitarian regimes. (I’m recalling the other Korea’s shutdown of a public broadcast during S. Africa 2010. If i remember correctly, they showed a group game against Ivory Coast on the back of a strong performance in the first match against Brazil – probably on fear of being sent to the gulags – then switched it off mid-pasting).

Anyway, well done Taiwan, but remember – it’s not just losers who can be ungracious.

Merry Fucking Christmas


Now, FTNM is hardly backward in coming forward when it comes to effing and blinding and generally hurling vile invective around but it really does get on my man tits when I see shit like the above.

This is the window of some poncey boutique store in the Dunhua area. Again, it ain’t that I’m prudish when it comes to the profanity but this is a ‘normal’ clothing store like you’d see in any (reasonably) developed city. Why the fuck are they using the word fuck when they have no FUCKING clue what they are on about?

The day before I’d seen a little rat-haired twat bowling down the street with a massively oversized cap emblazoned with FUCK OFF. I stared at him as he walked past and he looked acutely embarrassed and was clearly aware of the import of the words (though perhaps he suddenly realised that he looked like a golf club). Why wear that shit then?

Let me explain. Native/Fluent speakers of a language have the right to wear shit like this and make cocks of themselves as they understand the intricacies of the lingo.

Foreigners who use expletives in public may have experienced looks of disapproval from locals who have no idea how the words are being used. I have had this happen several times and received frowns or shocked looks when I dropped a ‘fuck’ or, more commonly, the adjectival form into a conversation with a friend. Sometimes the gawker looks on as if they expect a row to break out right there as I am clearly affronting the person I am speaking to by using such a word. Basically, to such people, ‘fuck’ just equals ‘fuck off’ or ‘fuck you’ in every context.

Most of the people who wear or use curse words in English are basically in the same boat. They have no clue about the context, the appropriateness or, as it were, the time and the place to use swear words. They don’t have a grip of the cultural background, the social mores and all the little nuances that inform the sacred art of swearing. A man like FTNM, therefore, who has no qualms in telling any old fucker to get to fuck, nonetheless cringes and baulks at idiotic and ignorant uses of good old Anglo-Saxon like this.

Really, don’t run before you can walk. If you don’t know exactly how a word or phrase will be received, don’t utter or write it without thinking long and hard. Certainly don’t have it splattered across your T-shirt or shop window in massive, ostentatious writing for all and sundry to see. You might look like a right fucking  prick.


Visit the Historic City of Tainani

I think I’ll choose the Tainani option …

I spotted this on a wall outside a building which I think houses several cram schools. I don’t exactly know what the  International English Language Testing System (IELTS) is but a mate reckons it some kind of English proficiency test and, from what I can see, it seems to be connected to Cambridge uni.

Anyway, if you want to do the test, there are apparently centres all around the island: here in the capital, in Taoyuan, in Taichung and down south in Kaohsiung and TAINANI!

Honestly, how can these schools and “testing centres” be charging people to test their English abilities without being able to even spell or at least do a quick proofreading? Jesters …

Begging the Question

Outside an MRT station – I forget which one … Quite a few of them don hats to protect themselves from the sun. didn’t the Buddha starve himself in the jungle, exposed to the elements? These guys want us to believe they are roughing it but I don’t see any of the poverty-stricken street paupers in Taipei wearing hats!

There are beggars the world over and Taipei is no exception. I give them a few shekels now and then, buy them some grub – heck I’ve even shared a bev with one or two in my time (though generally I don’t give em cash if I think they’re just going to booze it away).

These down-on-their-luck tramps of the normal variety I’ve never had ant real beef with. It’s the professional mendicants with the veneer of piety on their side that get my goat. Don’t get me wrong: of the religions I’ve come across, the Buddhist and Taoist beliefs in Taiwan seem the most tolerant and least in your face. By that I mean they don’t go around like the fucking Mor(m)ons proselytising and harassing all and sundry with their crap.

Inside Taipei Main Station: This guy was unabashedly going up to everyone he came across – even a disabled geezer as you can see here.

But I don’t like the fact that superstitious Taiwanese (like my girlfriend) are cowed into giving religious beggars money by the the thought that it’s doing em some karmic good. In many cases these same people wouldn’t think twice about giving the dirty tramp outside the 711 a penny but they get all terrified into coughing up as soon as they see some baldy ‘nun’ or ‘monk’ in an orange cloak with an official card round their neck approving their scrounging and a metal bowl. Some of these lot sit there kowtowing, pressing their heads off the pavement to add to the guilt trip.

It ain’t like we never had this shit in Europe back in the day but there’s a reason why begging for alms died out there hundred of years ago. Simply put, no one thinks they’ll rot in hell if they don’t give some holy fraud money. Not that all of these lot are frauds in the sense that they are knowingly ripping people off. I’m sure some of them believe in the sanctity of their calling. I just happen to believe it’s complete hogwash.

Here’s the geezer from shipai texting away on his iphone. Note the nice watch and the hefty satchel crammed with his lucky charms and ill-gotten gains.

In some cases, though, they are definitely crooked. I’ve seen a couple who are constantly shifting their eyes about em, looking to see if they are being observed before emptying their bowls full of crisp hundreds that they’ve made from their tough morning loafing into their pockets or wallets. Why? So the next hapless fool that wants a bunk up to Nirvana won’t see that they’re positively rolling in the readies. A bowl overflowing with notes doesn’t go with the image of the humble ascetic that these lot are trying to project.

Even those con men, though, pale into insignificance compared to new breed of aggressive ‘religious’ panhandlers I’ve come across in Taipei recently. I’ve seen these types in Southeast Asia and India but only here more recently. Their favoured technique is to get your attention and before you realise it, try and hand you some stupid little laminated ‘Buddhist’ image. Once you have it in your hand (which FTNM being an on-his-toes type who would never fall for such lame techniques never has), you are ‘obliged’ to give the fuckers a donation. The other day near Guting MRT, one of these ne’er-do-wells attempted this style on me. When I told him to do one, he followed me down the street declaring ‘No, no, no, no!’ (I’m not sure what this repeated denial was about but from his tone, rather than telling me  I wasn’t allowed to refuse his advances, I think he was attempting to stress that he wasn’t engaging in any chicanery).

Here he is again, fleeing the scene. Once the old turd knew I was on to him, he scurried off like a rat up a drainpipe.

Another time I saw a guy (see two pics above) skulking about in Tienmu (they are moving up in the world), attempting to force his trinkets on people (even going in shops and disturbing owners and customers). Later I caught sight of him scoffing MacDonald’s fries, washed down with a large Coke in a shady nook of a park near the market in nearby Shipai. When the old charlatan noticed me trying to snap photos (I’m pretty sure he recognised me from earlier), he quickly got up and hurried off heading for the MRT station. As (for him, bad) luck would have it, I happened to be going the same way and tailed him at a leisurely pace.

We ended up on the same MRT carriage and – lo and behold – the toerag only goes and pulls out an iPhone and starts texting. An iPhone ffs! I don’t have a bloody iPhone. On his wrist was a chunky watch that looked like it was pretty good quality. When to his dismay he spotted me spotting him again, he got up at the next stop and and got off the MRT. Suspecting a ruse,  I peered out the door and saw him scampering down the platform to re-enter further down. Needless to say, his terror was tenfold when he looked up from the latest priority seat he had occupied those couple of carriages down and there I was standing right in front of him again.

By the way, I’ve also heard that ‘official, accredited’ spongers like him (he had a card round his neck when he was roaming the streets, though who knows if it was fake) get subsidised or free MRT passes. Is that coming from taxpayers money?

This hefty looking bloke was hanging around in a lane downtown looking like a cross between an American convict in an orange jumpsuit and an astronaut.

Anyway, I think these ponces have a bloody cheek and that in most case they are bone idlers who need a good slap rather than the fawning respect that some seem to think they merit. I do have some other better pictures of some of the more aggro ones, people who go into shops trying to hand out these ‘cards’ but as I can’t seen to find them right now, I’ve just included a few of the more shady characters I’ve seen around town, especially the fellow I’ve just mentioned.

I’m not trying to say Taiwanese, or anyone, should stop giving to beggars. Each to their own. Charity, giving or whatever people want to call it, is admirable when well-directed. But I just don’t get why the poorest, dirtiest bums get routinely ignored while the ‘religious’ mendicants seem to get swamped with dosh. Do people really believe that you’ll earn more karma by giving to these ‘spiritual’ types when many of them are clearly nothing but hucksters? Even the genuinely ‘pious’ ones usually look much better off than the average tramp.

Whatever. I’ll stick to the really needy and leave others (including my gf and her fam) to be suckered in the name of religion!