Lord, put me outta my misery before I get to this stage …

Is this what happens to old forrinners?

Is this what happens to old forrinners?

This geezer rocks. He’s busting all kinds of rudeness. Hard to see exactly how dope that shirt is from this photo, but basically it’s a pink silk Chinese-style number. He’s obviously one of those sad lifers who reckons he’s semi-Taiwanese or something. Probably has shit-hot Chinese and knows all the most obscure and ridiculous customs but they still just call him a fat old loawei behind his back.

Then, he’s toppin it off with that hat, complete with string. The only thing that’s lacking is some Crocodile-Dundee-styley corks on strings, though he does have one string for a chinstrap – a real touch of class.

If you’re not feelin his stylo, there’s also the trainers. Clunky-ass pieces of crap, shoelaces untied, giving him even more a a caj look! Love the way he’s tapping away on that laptop.

Finally, and certainly not least, what the fuck is gannin on with his bag. It appears to be hooked up to a ketring in his computer, with a cord for the headphones coming from it … and that blue light?! Cyborg alert! You’d think these man-machines could turn themselves out a little more presentable, like, though.

Seriously, though, when I see these foreign oldsters, I fear for my sanity and know I have to get out of here eventually before I end up looking like this embarrassment!


Bet she wins the three legged race every time …

Now, I know it’s rude to stare but I was on the MRT today and, well, I’d never seen something like this before and it kind of freaked me out. Behold, the girl with the three legs:


Mindless MRT Morons Part 326


God, this is soooooo good, I think everyone in this carriage should hear it.


Yes, boys and girls, it’s your friendly local Nightmarketer back on the corner. Been away so long – out of the country again on top secret biz, and up to my neck in work – but I’m like Take That now: Back For Good.

Not only am I back, but I’m that other thing that people who are back often are (especially rappers from what I recall) MAD. You’d be a fool to cross my path. Alas, there are way too many bozos in Taipei City who make that mistake. The numpty above is a prime example.

This pea-brained pranny was listening to her shitty Taiwanese game show on her mobile, complete with those unspeakably stupid sound effects (thing Bruce Wayne Batman “POW! WHAM!” shit here) that these shows have to have, because to not have them would make life so dull. I left her ridiculously selfish carry-on go for a while but a man has to be allowed to hit the local honeys up on hook-up social media in peace without that droning dross in his lughole.

“Turn that fucking shit off before I give you a slap,” I told her. Something like that, though it may have been more like ‘Excuse me, if you want to listen to that, could you use earphones?” My Chinese being very rubbish, I motioned and made it clear what I meant. She pretended not to understand but her acting was about as good as what you see in the poxy soaps (my ex use to love em – part of the reason she’s my ex) that, in between her marathon variety show sessions, she doubtless manages to squeeze into her hectic schedule.

A couple of stops later she got off and then waited til the doors were about to close before shouting “Fuck! Fucky! Fucking you!” Unfortunately for her, the beeping that signifies the doors closing was literally a false alarm and they didn’t close.

Now I get up with my best broad psycho grin on my mug and approach. Cue the most desperate scuttling escape you’ve ever seen in your life. Her flabby little legs were going twenty to the dozen as she disappeared down the platform.

I guess she got home early than usual, so I helped the fathead by giving her a few extra minutes loafing time in front of whatever retarded crap she was watching next. Don’t say FTNM ain’t a considerate bloke.

Bird Shit

Now FTNM is no art critic but we knows what we like and this sure ain’t it. It looks like some lame attempt to copy the “superflat” crap of Takashi Murakami. As that Japanese artist is, in my opinion, an utter fucking charlatan along with pretty much 90 percent of “contemporary” artists these days, this is even worse that shit.

“Daydream”, as it is called, stands in Taipei Main Station near one of the exits to the Q Square Mall and Taipei Bus Station. The placard describing the point behind the monstrosity is filled with insight.

Oh, so that’s what it means … Wait. It’s still shit.

“Water” apparently “flows from the bird head covering the young girl’s face”. Hmmm, perhaps I’m missing something. “A girl that would never grow up”. OK, maybe starting to make something approaching sense now. “A pencil that will never write”. Nope. Free flow bollocks again. Best of all is the fact that she’s “caught between montion and stillness.” I don’t see much “montion” going on myself, but – hey – what do I know.

Meanwhile, I dread to think how much taxpayer’s dough was spunked on this eyesore. Ridiculous.

Danger: white thieves and molesters on the prowl!

Look at this poster from the MRT. I mean, really. How else in one meant to take this shit than to read it as a blatantly racist slur? Why is the thief caucasian? How many white people have pickpocketed women on the MRT, like, EVER? What percentage of foreigners are involved in any sorts of crimes for that matter?

Don’t trust whitey …

As if that wasn’t enough, it appears foreign scum are also sexual predators here to take advantage of local women. Well we all knew that, anyway, right? Admittedly the woman in this one looks whitish herself, though that is probably because Western girls are all slags, right? Anyway, this perv grabbing the girl’s arse also has a distinctly milky hue to his complexion. Sort it out Taipei City – blatant racism on public transport. Shameful stuff.

Lock up your daughters: white devils are loose on the underground!

Pregnant Pause

What? I thought you were just a chubbster …

This young, blatantly preggers, lass stood for stop upon stop on the MRT the other day while these cool-as fuckers played Tetris-etc with their volume right up. Eventually one guy got up and offered his seat like a gent – a gent who had sat for 22 minutes before giving up his seat when he was getting off. Hero.