Not a fan?

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Saw this fan at the swimming pool/sports centre the other day. At the top it reads TRASH CAN, which I suppose indicates the lowest setting, and at the bottom, it says MAKE YOUR DAY, which must be the effect of using number 3, the highest setting.

Just in case you’re thinking the titles given to these “settings” are a little random, the name of the fan makes things clearer. It’s called “The Grouad Fan”. Naturally.

 

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No Shit

I'd just finished working out at the local gym, and hopped in the shower to clean up. There I was, all set to lay a  nice big log on the shower floor as one naturally does, then I see this busybodying bit of signage.  I ask you, what is going on with the world when one can't shite in the shower of the local public sports centre without fear of recriminations ...?

I’d just finished working out at the local gym, and hopped in the shower to clean up. There I was, all set to lay a nice big log on the shower floor as one naturally does, then I see this busybodying bit of signage.
I ask you, what is going on with the world when one can’t shite in the shower of the local public sports centre without fear of recriminations from some do-gooder …?

Merry Fucking Christmas

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Now, FTNM is hardly backward in coming forward when it comes to effing and blinding and generally hurling vile invective around but it really does get on my man tits when I see shit like the above.

This is the window of some poncey boutique store in the Dunhua area. Again, it ain’t that I’m prudish when it comes to the profanity but this is a ‘normal’ clothing store like you’d see in any (reasonably) developed city. Why the fuck are they using the word fuck when they have no FUCKING clue what they are on about?

The day before I’d seen a little rat-haired twat bowling down the street with a massively oversized cap emblazoned with FUCK OFF. I stared at him as he walked past and he looked acutely embarrassed and was clearly aware of the import of the words (though perhaps he suddenly realised that he looked like a golf club). Why wear that shit then?

Let me explain. Native/Fluent speakers of a language have the right to wear shit like this and make cocks of themselves as they understand the intricacies of the lingo.

Foreigners who use expletives in public may have experienced looks of disapproval from locals who have no idea how the words are being used. I have had this happen several times and received frowns or shocked looks when I dropped a ‘fuck’ or, more commonly, the adjectival form into a conversation with a friend. Sometimes the gawker looks on as if they expect a row to break out right there as I am clearly affronting the person I am speaking to by using such a word. Basically, to such people, ‘fuck’ just equals ‘fuck off’ or ‘fuck you’ in every context.

Most of the people who wear or use curse words in English are basically in the same boat. They have no clue about the context, the appropriateness or, as it were, the time and the place to use swear words. They don’t have a grip of the cultural background, the social mores and all the little nuances that inform the sacred art of swearing. A man like FTNM, therefore, who has no qualms in telling any old fucker to get to fuck, nonetheless cringes and baulks at idiotic and ignorant uses of good old Anglo-Saxon like this.

Really, don’t run before you can walk. If you don’t know exactly how a word or phrase will be received, don’t utter or write it without thinking long and hard. Certainly don’t have it splattered across your T-shirt or shop window in massive, ostentatious writing for all and sundry to see. You might look like a right fucking  prick.

 

Beastly Meat

Vile Vegetables is the stall next door …

Been up partying all night with a buddy in Songshan District. Staggering home, I saw this most appetizing-looking street vendor’s stall. Wasn’t open, so I didn’t get to sample the wares. This is just the “demo” stand …

Professional Bollokers

You’ll be hard pressed to get as good a bolloking for 10NT anywhere else in Taipei.

Found this stall at Taipei Main Station. Reminded me of this classic Monty Python sketch.

“I came here for a bolloking!”

“Oh, that’s the next stall down. This is mild disapproval here. “

Elite English

“Teacher, my favourite food is pizza!”

There’s no doubting the quality of some of the bushiban schools in Taiwan. Just look at some of the names: Trinity, Little Harvard, St. George’s … the list of stellar institutes of English crammery is endless.  The late great Wall Street Institute, in particular,  is well-known for the same fine principles as its financial namesake .

Then we have ELITE. This fine establishment is not only a centre of excellence in Chinglish-learning but also very helpful to boot. Just look at how they direct all their eager students to their premises next to  a world famous pizza chain.

Seriously, how dimwitted do you have to be to stick up a big sign for an English school without having it given the once over by someone who might, you know, be able to read at a level slightly higher than [English primary school joke warning] Roger Red Hat? Morons.