Teenaged Taiwanese Boys: Female Trannies in Disguise?

Note to myself: Must work on my masculine side a bit more ...

Note to myself: Must work on my masculine side a bit more …

If you’ve ever wondered why a good few young males here in Taiwan are far from the alpha type, this young plonker may well have provided us the answer with this brilliant T-shirt.

It’s not 100% clear from the pic but basically it says “FEMALE TRANSVESTITE”. Of course, the dumbass is completely oblivious to what a complete dicksplash he looks but it does make me think … Maybe we finally have the answer to the effeminate, androgynous, asexual behavior of so many young men here. Just sayin …

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Just popped in on a mate who's had his first sprog. Good luck to the lad - he'll need it. You won't catch FTNM getting caught in that particular trap any time soon. But I digress ...  Check out the list of

Just popped in on a mate who’s had his first sprog. Good luck to the lad – he’ll need it. You won’t catch FTNM getting caught in that particular trap any time soon …

Check out the list of “banned” items at the hospital. It’s special, consisting of:

1) No lions
2) No fags (stop it!)
3) No bears in masks superimposed on flowers.
4) No loudspeakers.

As long as you don’t have any of those items, you’re good.

Not a fan?

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Saw this fan at the swimming pool/sports centre the other day. At the top it reads TRASH CAN, which I suppose indicates the lowest setting, and at the bottom, it says MAKE YOUR DAY, which must be the effect of using number 3, the highest setting.

Just in case you’re thinking the titles given to these “settings” are a little random, the name of the fan makes things clearer. It’s called “The Grouad Fan”. Naturally.

 

Taiwan Tobacco and Liquor Corp. shows its class

Aside from its flagship Taiwan Gold Medal Beer (the cans and bottles have images of medals from Brussels on them, but, seriously, what competition in Belgium would award that crap anything but the prize for “best beer in a green and white can made in Taiwan”?), the Taiwan Tobacco and Liquor Corp. also produces such pisswater as “Shaohsing Chiew” which it reckons is “world famous”.

Rollei Digital Camera

TTL RUM: Suavity incarnate.

But it’s in its manufacture of Western style beverages that TTL comes into its own. The company’s rum is noted for its “smooth and suavity” and the gin, we are informed, is “100 neutral” and “flavoured with a juniper” (just the one).

It certainly won’t be long before these fine products take the international markets by storm. You heard it here, first.

This is as unbiased a drop of booze as you'll ever come across ...

This is as unbiased a drop of booze as you’ll ever come across …

Sad Super Hot Noodles

There'll be no smiling in this restaurant, my son!

I don’t care if you reckon you’re ‘super hot’! There’ll be no smiling in this restaurant, missy!

This place on Yongji Road always seems to be jam-packed. Has to rank as one of the silliest names ever though. Not like they’ve made a mistake either as the little munter in the logo is looking all glum. Didn’t see any ‘super hotties’ in there but the noodles looked and smelled half decent.

Merry Fucking Christmas

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Now, FTNM is hardly backward in coming forward when it comes to effing and blinding and generally hurling vile invective around but it really does get on my man tits when I see shit like the above.

This is the window of some poncey boutique store in the Dunhua area. Again, it ain’t that I’m prudish when it comes to the profanity but this is a ‘normal’ clothing store like you’d see in any (reasonably) developed city. Why the fuck are they using the word fuck when they have no FUCKING clue what they are on about?

The day before I’d seen a little rat-haired twat bowling down the street with a massively oversized cap emblazoned with FUCK OFF. I stared at him as he walked past and he looked acutely embarrassed and was clearly aware of the import of the words (though perhaps he suddenly realised that he looked like a golf club). Why wear that shit then?

Let me explain. Native/Fluent speakers of a language have the right to wear shit like this and make cocks of themselves as they understand the intricacies of the lingo.

Foreigners who use expletives in public may have experienced looks of disapproval from locals who have no idea how the words are being used. I have had this happen several times and received frowns or shocked looks when I dropped a ‘fuck’ or, more commonly, the adjectival form into a conversation with a friend. Sometimes the gawker looks on as if they expect a row to break out right there as I am clearly affronting the person I am speaking to by using such a word. Basically, to such people, ‘fuck’ just equals ‘fuck off’ or ‘fuck you’ in every context.

Most of the people who wear or use curse words in English are basically in the same boat. They have no clue about the context, the appropriateness or, as it were, the time and the place to use swear words. They don’t have a grip of the cultural background, the social mores and all the little nuances that inform the sacred art of swearing. A man like FTNM, therefore, who has no qualms in telling any old fucker to get to fuck, nonetheless cringes and baulks at idiotic and ignorant uses of good old Anglo-Saxon like this.

Really, don’t run before you can walk. If you don’t know exactly how a word or phrase will be received, don’t utter or write it without thinking long and hard. Certainly don’t have it splattered across your T-shirt or shop window in massive, ostentatious writing for all and sundry to see. You might look like a right fucking  prick.

 

Visit the Historic City of Tainani

I think I’ll choose the Tainani option …

I spotted this on a wall outside a building which I think houses several cram schools. I don’t exactly know what the  International English Language Testing System (IELTS) is but a mate reckons it some kind of English proficiency test and, from what I can see, it seems to be connected to Cambridge uni.

Anyway, if you want to do the test, there are apparently centres all around the island: here in the capital, in Taoyuan, in Taichung and down south in Kaohsiung and TAINANI!

Honestly, how can these schools and “testing centres” be charging people to test their English abilities without being able to even spell or at least do a quick proofreading? Jesters …