Teenaged Taiwanese Boys: Female Trannies in Disguise?

Note to myself: Must work on my masculine side a bit more ...

Note to myself: Must work on my masculine side a bit more …

If you’ve ever wondered why a good few young males here in Taiwan are far from the alpha type, this young plonker may well have provided us the answer with this brilliant T-shirt.

It’s not 100% clear from the pic but basically it says “FEMALE TRANSVESTITE”. Of course, the dumbass is completely oblivious to what a complete dicksplash he looks but it does make me think … Maybe we finally have the answer to the effeminate, androgynous, asexual behavior of so many young men here. Just sayin …

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Fancy a free handjob from a scantily clad semi-hottie? No! Leave me alone!

Taiwanese men. Seriously.OK, not all, but don’t deny a high percentage come across like serious wusses when it comes to the fairer sex.

Picture the scene:

It’s a typically muggy summer’s afternoon in Taipei and you’re ambulating down a lane, scooters zipping past, amah’s haggling with street trader’s, the foul scent of cho dofu assailin your nostrils and, lo and behold, a couple of half nekkid floozies that look like they just stepped out of the local knocking shop run up and grab you, one on each arm.

“Fancy a handjob?” they chirp, sweetly as finches (alright, squawk, shrill as tortured magpies). “No strings attached, it’s just for a TV competition between us two to see who can bring a guy off first?”

Naturally you recoil in horror and tell these wanton strumpets to get to fuck. What the bloody ada do they think they’re about, soliciting random sexual encounters with an upstanding pillar of the community such as yourself? You have a good mind to report them to the author-

What’s that? Hold on a second? Let’s give this some more thought? Oh, you WOULDN’T answer like that?

OF COURSE YOU FUCKING WOULDN’T!

Unless, you were

A) Batting for the other side

B) …

Yeah, A’s pretty much where it’s at. Man, FTNM here would be down the first available alley, trousers round ankles, getting some warmups in before the main event.

“But we’re supposed to wait until we get to the studio. It’s a competition.”

“Well, we need to make sure we’re good and prepared, eh? Practice makes perfect, etc.”

So check out this utter jessie on this video below. The fool actually refuses a free five-knuckle-shuffle off a pair of Asian AV-video act-a-likes!

God knows what this “choking the chicken” show is but, lord, sign me the fuck up pronto. Preferably with the brass on the left who, I note, is the “winner” as she has her lucky “teammate” gushing forth first – he’s actually the winner here, let’s face it.

As for anyone who rejects such advances, they are LOSERS! No wonder I hear the birth rate is one of the lowest in the world here. Pitiful.

Edit: For some reason the video stopped showing up with the link from Facebook, so I’ve reposted from YouTube. If, as I suspect, it is being stopped because the peeps at WordPress, which hosts this blog, are little prudes, then just google “Taiwan Hang Chicken” and you’ll soon get the picture!

Load of Rubbish

I met a mate late after work last night up in Xinbeitou. I don’t know the area well, but my first impressions were that it’s a pretty nice place. My mate lives right near the park so we went in there to have a couple of beers.

That’s when I saw this shit.

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There were dozens of these crappy lunch boxes all over the park. It was fucking disgusting. There was also loads of McDonald’s and KFC litter strewn everywhere: the walls, bushes, you name it.

As the “bindan” as these cheapo rice n meat n veg lunches are called were all from the same place, it was obvious this was done by a group of slobs.

This was confirmed by this banner, which my mate, who reads a little Chinese, said was advertising a temple-based event for some visitors from Changhua Country, which is in Central Taiwan.

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After these god (or Buddha) fearing folk had stuffed their faces and done whatever stupid ritual it was they got together for, they left their filthy mess all over the park. Un – fucking – real.

Now, I know what some people will say: It all gets cleaned up anyway. My Taiwanese have sometimes said such stuff when I’ve grumbled about rubbish being left on the pavement. But so what? Is that any excuse to behave like this? It’s absolutely repulsive and really does my nut.

This park looks like a nice place on a normal day but when the Changhua faithful are in town, it seems it’s a free-for-all, with everyone allowed to behave like mannerless cretins. What a bunch of dirty, selfish guttersnipes.

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On the Piste? It’s all downhill from here …

Mrs Lee longed for her glory days as Taiwan's finest urban skier ....

Mrs Lee longed for her glory days as Taiwan’s finest urban skier ….

This delightful old mare was walking around the health insurance bureau hospital the other day with these two hiking sticks. At first I thought she was injured or unable to walk without them but after doing several ‘laps’ of the lobby, she walked out and for a while had them tucked under her arms as she walked along unaided with absolutely no problem.

She then put them down again and started working em like she was negotiating the gates on a tough downhill course. Gotta love these old nutters in Taiwan.

Urinal Freak

Watch out for this guy. Guaranteed on any given evening you'll come across him in the toilets nearest the first set of stairs down to the red line at Taipei Main Station.

Watch out for this guy. He seems to have disappeared of late but a while back, guaranteed on any given evening you would come across him in the toilets nearest the first set of stairs down to the red line at Taipei Main Station.

As a completely normal person, I have made it one of my New Year’s Resolutions to be more tolerant of those less fortunate individuals who were born weird.

The individual below above is one such person and I suppose there is not much he can do about it. Unfortunately, despite a huge effort on my part, I am unable to forgive him his freakery. The main reason is that his particular brand of fucked-upness involves standing for hours on end of an evening at the middle urinal in the men’s toilets near the stairs down to the red (Tamsui) line in Taipei Main Station.

The first time I noticed him I thought he might be blind, as he keeps his eyes half open so they seem to be almost rolling with the whites showing. Also, he stands so close that his head is usually almost touching the wall, so I thought he was trying to make sure he didn’t miss.

A couple of days later, I felt someone sideways glancing at me and looked to see exactly the same geezer (I remembered because of his odd behaviour on the first occasion). I thought it might just be a big, weird coincidence and that the length of time he seemed to be spending there and the proximity to the urinal could be on account of stage fright or something.

When I saw him around the same time of night (maybe 10 p.m. ish – he seems to lurk there anywhere from 7 – 10) for a third time, then I knew something was up. After I washed my hands, I decided to stand outside and see how long he would stay. Texting away to some mates, I saw him stand there for a whole 15 minutes. I called out to him and asked what he was doing. He turned and saw me and quickly turned away again pushing his head even closer to the wall. I made it clear that I was aware of his bizarre antics and that he’d better stop.

A couple of days later, there he was again, this time glancing around quite regular in the direction of his fellow pissers. I voiced my disapproval even more bluntly and, when he still wouldn’t budge, alerted one of the station cops who happened to be near by. As soon as described what was going on (the cop could basically see by my gestures), he chuckled and did an extremely accurate impression of the weirdo’s stance, which made it clear to me that he knew who I was on about.

But the cop just shrugged and claimed he couldn’t do anything (I know that expression in Chinese – meiyo banfa), which irked me even more. Are you telling me a cop can’t prevent a creepy, slightly pervy nutter from loitering for hours on end in a men’s public toilet? I’ll bet my life if it had been a forriner, he’d be up in court by the end of the week on sexual assault charges.

A few weeks later, I saw the dodgy bastard on the platform and accosted him. He pretended he didn’t know who I was but he knew damn well and scuttled his deviant arse off down the other end of the platform.

Haven’t seem him in a while, so hopefully they’ve finally removed him permanently or banged him up somewhere and not a moment too soon.

As I say, I’m trying to be a more tolerant person, kind of. But wackjobs like this make it very hard. Be on the look out for the disturbing character next time you’re taking a slash in the MRT. He may well have moved on to to pastures new.

Sitting Bull

Been on an extended hiatus for a few months, out of the country on top-secret, undercover work. True, that.

No sooner am I back than I come across this idiot.

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I don’t even have to know this individual to know what she’s like.

I’ve known em before and dissed em hard. she wasn’t exhausted to the point where she felt compelled to sit down in the queueing lane on the MRT platform. No. Even the most tired of people doesn’t do this. She wasn’t meditating. Nor was she upset, feeling sad, injured, or practicing for the Taiwan luge team at Sochi.

She just wanted everyone to look  at her the way the old pranny that I see near exit 1 of Zhongxiao MRT does every morning when he does his arm-flapping Tai Qi in the middle of the pavement. He could do it down the road at the park where all the other oldsters clap and flap but, no! It has to be right there with all the clamor and chaos – perfect spot for what i believe is meant to be meditative, contemplative exercise. Twerp.

And so too this muppet. Aren’t I cool and different? No. You’re not. You’re a fucking muppet.

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711 in Disgraceful Discount Shocker!

And here's one I stole earlier: Buy one, get the second one for 80 percent of the price. Or not.

Buy one, get the second one for 80 percent of the price. Or not.

I can read fuck all chinese, but you can bet your life I’ve figured out the hieroglyphs for important shit. “20 percent off the second can” is a good one to know. Or not. Maybe.

I’ve had some ridiculous refusals without satisfactory explanation in all kinds of service environments in Taiwan. Even so, when I removed the sign from the the rack on the fridge and brought it to them to prove fact that I was entitled to a discount (in taiwan  they tell you the percentage of the second item – in this case 80 percent of the original cost –  rather than the percentage you save, as  in the West, which kind of makes sense) and they still insisted ‘mei banfa’, I was gobsmacked.

It was the second time I’d been denied in a day on these particular beers. The first time (a sly lunch slurp) I’d let it lie as it was lunch time, i was with a lady friend, and i couldn’t be arsed. The friend suggested the deal must’ve been at a different chain of convenience stores. I knew it couldn’t be because these beers are a 711/Suntory joint venture.

Anyway, this second time, as I trundled home tonight, I really did kick up a fuss, getting a tubby local geezer in the queue on my side along the way. My big point was that the ‘opening date’ for the offer on the sign (4/17) was today and that, as  I’d been availing myself of this deal for weeks (first put onto it by me old mate Rasbret), something was amiss. Tubbster and I finally figured out that the signs for the discount  started a month late and ended a month early. Clerical error, it would appear. Still, having in my hand what you can see above, with the dates clearly delineated, I think they have a cheek denying me of my discount.

I actually had to stop at two more 7-11s to steal the badge of honour (it took me three stops to realise the mininions were in terror once this faux pas was exposed and so i had to teef it on the sly) and – whaddya know – as I went to procure the evidence, I was barged out of the way by a couple who were buying these beers on the exact same discount vibe. For once i just shut up and watched.

OK, I didn’t. I asked if they were going for the discount.  They confirmed that they thought they were getting a  deal as they plucked the bevs from the fridge. I disavowed them. The guy believed me but Ms. Miggins, his Missus Miggins, kept tapping the sign and repeating ‘there’s a discount’, (I repeated ‘Yes, I know, but it’s finished’) until she got blanked by the cashier and then suddenly pretended I didn’t exist .  Hubby looked me in the face like a real man and said ‘than you’.

The main moan = 711 are refusing to honour offers that are there in black and white for all to see. SKANK. According to their shit, this deal is on til June. Bollocks to the lot of em.

 

McEyesore

McUtterShite

McUtterShite

Just saw this monstrosity opposite Shinkong Life Tower at Taipei Main Station. I think it’s new as I’m around there quite a bit and am sure I would have noticed it before.

It’s basically an entrance to the underground. Where the people are standing under the light and in front of another ad, there’s a lift to take you down.

Not content with splashing their Golden Shower Arches everywhere in Taiwan, as in pretty much every other corner of the world, McDumpald’s have to ruin the landscape further with this grotesque monument to their crassness! It appears to be a group of eager young Chicken McNuggets queueing up to plunge off a diving board.Your guess is as good as anyone’s!

What a steaming pile of shit, honestly.

Slightly making up for it was this ingenious charging station for mobile phones opposite, sponsored by Durex. You stick something in the hole and Durex make sure you’re protected, well, charged … er, yeah, you get the picture.

Phone Sex. Oh come on,that was begging for it!

Phone Sex. Oh come on,that was begging for it!

 

I’ll Give You 10 to 1 that Old Huang Won’t Make It to the End of the Week

Taiwanese are some of the most superstitious people you’re ever likely to come across, particular when it comes to death and the afterlife: No whistling at night cos it summons ghosts; no letting kids walk past those pain-in-the-arse funeral marquees that block off entire streets; no fourth floors or things involving the number four in general as it sounds like the word for death – the list of irrational practices is mind-boggling.

So, despite the weirdities that one regularly comes across living on this little island,  to read that punters in Taichung are taking bets on when cancer patients will die is actually pretty surprising.

The story was apparently first reported by Britain’s own Daily Mirror and has subsequently been doing the rounds on Facebook. Relatives and even doctors at hospitals in the city are in on the betting, which has become a lucrative NT$100m industry. Even more mean-spirited is the fact that the bettors are oldsters themselves. The idea of them rubbing their hands together in anticipation as they watch their peers drop like flies is unsavoury but undeniably comical (pretty much straight out of the Old Gits sketch above).

With permission from the family (come on now, you don’t think these people are completely without scruple do you?), those wanting to have a flutter are allowed to give the patients the once over to give them an informed idea about when the poor bastards will shuffle off their mortal coil.

With staff involved, one does have to wonder about ‘dead’ cert tips courtesy of a helping hand …

“He won’t last past Wednesday?”

“Are you sure about that, Dr. Lee?”

“Oh, believe me, I can guarantee it”