Cover Up: Taiwan’s Stripper’s Don’t Want to Expose Themselves!

It's getting hot out here, so take out your umbrella, as the rapper Nelly once didn't say ...

It’s getting hot out here, so take out your umbrella, as the rapper Nelly once didn’t say …

I know pop starlet Rihanna had a tune about umbrellas and she doesn’t wear a lot of clothes and is generally considered hot, but apart from that and umbrellas being vaguely dick-shaped, they’re not high on my sexy list.

In Taiwan in particular, umbrellas are fucking annoying and lame. Oooh, there’s a drizzle of rain … I might get wet … the terror! Ooooh, now it’s stopped raining and I detect a minuscule ray of sun peeping through the clouds … And that’s the blokes!Don’t even get me started on the ridiculously annoying people (particularly the old goats) who barge around with them everywhere, in crowded areas, invariably almost taking your eye out.

Although it narrows the field right down (there are some out there, though, believe me), I’ve made it a rule never to date any girl who takes out an umbrella to ward off the sun. I’m kind of an active bloke and like the great big outdoors. If a girl is the type whose going to be bandying an umbrella around at the slightest flicker of heat, then she’s unlikely to be the sort to like getting hot on sweaty on a three-hour hike. What level of adventurousness is such a person going to have, really? So umbrellas, oh, and fake, lenseless glasses that make you look like a complete prat … sorry ladies, FTNM don’t play that shit.

As I said, though, this narrows the field down big time. I mean, you know you’re in trouble when the strippers cover up! Look at these slappers on the back some truck in Shilin the other weekend. Firstly, they looked about as interested as a friendless teenager on downers in a Latin lesson as they jigged listlessly and lamely about.

But, the umbrellas?!  These are women whose very raison d’etre, as they say in Spanish, is to expose their olive skin to slobbering perverts like myself. I repeat: these dosy tarts are meant to strip and wiggle their shit, yet here they are lumbering about to the crappiest eurotrash dance electronica, sourfaced and WORSE, shielding themselves from the dangerous sun!

If this is what the “easy” “anything goes” types are like in Taiwan, god help us! When you add these lot to the wusses I mentioned in “handjob” post a couple of posts back, it is little bloody wonder – I find myself repeating- that the birth rates in this country are fucked!

Notice, also, that the truck has the name “Hot Show” written on it. ha!

Strippers who cover up! Taiwan weirdness to the max!


Leaving Me Cold – Chinese Quack Medical Beliefs

Zhang documents 500 types of "febrile diseases" (basically fever) cause by "cold". The Chinese revere him for his invaluable contribution to Chinese medicine. Most sensible people would probably be a little less trusting of some old duffer who no one knows anything about other than the fact that he peddled some herbs a couple of thousand years ago.

Zhang documents 500 types of “febrile diseases” (basically fever) cause by “cold”. The Chinese revere him for his invaluable contribution to Chinese medicine. Most sensible people would probably be a little less trusting of some old duffer who no one knows anything about other than the fact that he peddled some herbs a couple of thousand years ago.

I hear that in Taiwan when someone tells a shit joke, people say it was “cold”. That’s pretty appropriate because Chinese beliefs about the effect of cold are a really bad joke.

Check this book out that I found down an old second-hand bookstore yesterday. This shit was written by a guy called Zhang Zhongjing who is hailed as one of the greatest doctors in Chinese medicine. The way they go on about the old fraud, it’s like he’s the Mohammad Ali of this shit or something.

Anyway, just the title alone says everything about Chinese beliefs about how cold things affect the human body: Cold weather, cold drinks etc. Basically, cold stuff causes colds. And not just colds: my ex-missus used to have a couple of students who weren’t allowed to eat or drink cold stuff as they were “short” and “traditional” docs out here told them that consuming anything cold wouldn’t let them grow. At the same time, their parents had them on some random pills that would allegedly “make them taller”. I swear that shit is fucking child abuse.

Speaking of that ex (and, as I think I’ve mentioned before, this is part of the reason that she is my ex), she – like many Chinese girls, so I’ve heard – refused to eat or drink cold things while she had the painters in, as she claimed the cold would cause her to feel “uncomfortable” and have some kind of stomach ache. When I said I had never heard of any girl back home claim such a thing (and I have three sisters), she said that must be because “Western girls are different”. Right.

The main idiocy in these very idiotic beliefs about “cold” is that it can somehow cause “a cold”, which is obviously a virus. If you point out to them that people in many parts of the world were running around butt-nekkid in freezing cold conditions with no hint of the cold virus or flue etc. before Europeans carrying these diseases turned up, the just look at you blankly, shake their heads or, most annoyingly, mutter something about forrin types not understanding. This is thousands of years of culture they add.

But that’s just it – this shit is from ancient times when people were dropping like flies and barely lived out of their teens, as this decidedly more scientific dude points out here. Why the fuck should we believe what these voodoo peddling witchdoctors were coming out with back then? Answer: “Because you foreigner must respect Chinese culture” (translation: I have no real answer, so I’ll just say you don’t get it and hope that shuts you up).

Cold doesn’t cause “diseases” unless we’re including hypothermia, pneumonia or some other breathing illnesses. The liner not below (sorry about the pic – blurry like most of the claims in it) says that this volume of bulshit hocus-pocus is an all-time classic and as important as Euclid’s works on geometry and Newton’s physics are to Western science.

I don’t know much about that Greek guy but didn’t he prove infinity and shit? And Newton: Basically discovered gravity, right? Don’t think either of these fellas would be too happy to be compared to some ancient snake oil salesman who frankly didn’t know his arse from his elbow.

Rollei Digital Camera

If the likes of Zhang Zhongjing are considered founding fathers of Chinese medicine, it’s a wonder there are even any Chinese still around to believe in his nonsensical babbling.

Hey, I’ve got a great idea for a cool photo: Let’s all do the peace sign in front of a plane crash site

There are morons and then there are morons who descend to the very bowels of retardishness. THEN, even lower down festering in a mire a crapulence, there are these fuckheads. These complete fucking tools thought it would be cool to pose in front of the Keelung River in Taipei the day after the TransAsia plane crash  that killed at least 35 people. From the looks of it, the rescue operations are still continuing in the background.

"Hey, Shao Ming, did you get the boats in? Look, I think they're pulling up a body over there! Quick, quick!"

“Hey, Shao Ming, did you get the boats in? Look, I think they’re pulling up a body over there! Quick, quick!”

The pic has been doing the rounds on Facebook, with some people pointing out that the muckraking rag Apple Daily (think of an even more sensationalist and lowbrow version of Britain’s beloved The Sun) has got a cheek outing people for gawking at a disaster scene given their status as a premier purveyor of disaster porn (I remember them even putting photos of a journo who had got crushed while trying to take photos of a car crash once – no sooner had he become a victim than his peers were snapping away).

Either way, these people need a bloody good kicking. It’s really quite depressing …

Not a fan?


Saw this fan at the swimming pool/sports centre the other day. At the top it reads TRASH CAN, which I suppose indicates the lowest setting, and at the bottom, it says MAKE YOUR DAY, which must be the effect of using number 3, the highest setting.

Just in case you’re thinking the titles given to these “settings” are a little random, the name of the fan makes things clearer. It’s called “The Grouad Fan”. Naturally.


Ring of Fire


Skip the two-a-penny crap in the background. This shit is Da Bomb!

I loves my shit hot, so when the boss of a local Chao Fan (fried rice) place saw me loading up with the lightweight salty red chilli sauce that you find in most places and not looking particularly impressed, he whipped this fucker out. Now my Yankish friends are always telling me how Canadians don’t do hot. I’ve always suspected that was bollocks as I have a couple of Canuck pals with a penchant for the fiery side of things.

The laoban (boss) had spent a bit of time in Vancouver (like, apparently, half of Taiwan) chasing after some bird and, when it went pear-shaped, he shuffled back to Formosa with nothing but this savagely hot sauce in his possession. He planted it and up sprung a fully-fledged fried rice shop.

Anyway, I had to give it a try as there were some local tuffs egging me on. Naturally, I maintained the habitual Brit stiff upper lip and tried my damnedest to ensure no tears came to my eyes. My composure (known in the trade as “styling it out”) ensured the locals were suitably impressed.

It was no mean feat as this was most certainly was among the hottest sauces I’ve ever come across and not actually particularly nice (not so much cos of the burn your sphincter off your arse power but more the stale, musty taste). Still, we only live once and “Da Bomb” should be sampled by any self-respecting capsicum freak!

Taiwan Tobacco and Liquor Corp. shows its class

Aside from its flagship Taiwan Gold Medal Beer (the cans and bottles have images of medals from Brussels on them, but, seriously, what competition in Belgium would award that crap anything but the prize for “best beer in a green and white can made in Taiwan”?), the Taiwan Tobacco and Liquor Corp. also produces such pisswater as “Shaohsing Chiew” which it reckons is “world famous”.

Rollei Digital Camera

TTL RUM: Suavity incarnate.

But it’s in its manufacture of Western style beverages that TTL comes into its own. The company’s rum is noted for its “smooth and suavity” and the gin, we are informed, is “100 neutral” and “flavoured with a juniper” (just the one).

It certainly won’t be long before these fine products take the international markets by storm. You heard it here, first.

This is as unbiased a drop of booze as you'll ever come across ...

This is as unbiased a drop of booze as you’ll ever come across …