Feeling Blue


Oi, Chen. Don’t leave your helmet on the seat. It’s pissing down.

Speaking of Sochi, Taiwan might not be taking any medals home from the Winter Olympics, but at least they’ve got some attention. The Wall Street Journal has this fun article on how ridiculously dressed Team Chinese Taipei was.

Social media has been awash with locals prattling on about  how “ugly” Taiwan’s competitors look and the shamefully they’ve represented the nation.

Come again? They’ve represented Taiwanese with an incredible degree of accuracy: The lot of em look like they’ve just stepped off their scooters on a rainy day to grab a Super Supau at the local 711. Spot on.

The best part of the article is the po-faced ‘each to their own’ comment from Taiwan’s Olympic Secretary General:

Chen Kuo-yi, secretary general of the Chinese Taipei Olympic Committee, said the opinions would be taken into account,Taiwan’s Central News Agency reported. “Views on fashion designs vary from person to person,” CNA quoted him as saying.

While not quite the usual knee-jerk defensiveness, it’s typical for its failure to get the joke. Take the opinions into account, indeed … What a plum.



Aunt Bella’s Umbrella: Blockbuster Black Bastards

Black Bastards

Is she Umbrella?

Is she Umbrella?

Here I was just trying to update the FTNM stall with the latest dose of Taiwan Hitler-love (will have to wait til next time) when a mate had to go and ruin it with this far less tasteful little titbit. Apparently the focus of this English pronunciation primer is to make sure Taiwanese learners don’t confuse words with similar sounds.

With this in mind, a couple of examples are given on the front cover, to the right of expert-English-speaker-lady. (click the photos for a close up.)

Who, after all all, hasn’t not stepped stepped into a video shop and asked the clerk what Black Bastard titles are concurrently available? Actually, in Old Blighty, I’ve heard these Black Bastards are out of business now. A good thing, too.  Aunt Bella will be thrilled.

Now, here are some Black Bastards that never saw the light of day:

Fuck my Missus? I’ll Put My Foot in Yo Ass! IN yo ass.

A genuine x-ray of a foot in a rectum.

A genuine x-ray of a foot in a rectum.

I’ve seen some oddball news on the site yourjewishnews.com before but this is another level. The English is all dodgy and it’s hard to determine whether this guy killed his mate with a swift kick in the sphincter or whether he literally inserted his foot into the anus. the bemused newscaster, cops and chuckling interviewees  seem to be in no doubt its the latter.

The cop looks Monty Python-esque in his seriousness, but the piece de resistance is the interviewer with: “Why did you choose such a method?” Brilliant!



The Queen is Dead. Long Live Maggie Thatcher!

These old white chrumblies all look the same to me ...

These old white chrumblies all look the same to me …

It’s no news that Taiwanese people are in general shockingly insular when it comes to world affairs. I once had to oversee a general knowledge quiz at a high school and was astounded when hardly anyone in a class of 30-odd had heard of Nelson Mandela or knew what the capital of Spain is (I think, maybe two or three people knew Madrid and Mandela rang a bell for a couple).

In this blissful ignorance, as in most things, they seem to be aping the great nation whose ‘culture’ they so admire. But even the Yanks would surely not make such a pig’s ear of this one. In fact, they definitely wouldn’t as they couldn’t get enough of the old hag as all today’s gushing tributes indicate (Clinton’s fawning was particularly nauseating).

Basically mega-shite (according to foreign and taiwanese pals) TV channel CTI reported that the Iron Lady popped her clogs but ran pics and vids of the Queen. Oh dear. Interesting, they do show Maggie right at the end and look who’s she’s chilling with: her old mate Augusto Pince-nez. Great split-second of footage to choose. For all the Taiwanese I saw on FB today offering condolences and saying how sad it was and the like, you might want to look into who the harridan kept company with.

Anyway, the whole hilarious gaffe can be found here.  This is such an appalling fuck up that you’d expect heads to roll and some real soul searching; only this is Taiwan, so you wouldn’t, really. As usual I noticed that a lot of the commentary that my missus translated referred to how this embarrassed the country and made everyone ‘lose face’. Like 95 percent of anyone watching noticed anyway! All about face as ever, rather than the fact of being ignorant. As long as know one knows, everything’s all right …

Another Reason I’m Not Going Back to the UK Anytime Soon


Now, it might seem like I moan about things here in Taiwan a bit. But FTNM is going on the record now to say: “It’s official! Taiwan is a great place to live!”

A survey from The Anti-Ma Ying-Jeou Express The Economist has good old Formosa at No.14 in the world rankings of best places to be born, ahead of the States (joint 16th with Germany) and my own dear Britain (a dismal and probably flattering 27th place).

I think I’ll stick around for at least another year …

Welcome Taiwanese Comrades … For US$100!

Stroessnor: He liked em young …

Now I know Taiwan’s “diplomatic allies” routinely take the Michael. I’ll never forget Costa Rica jumping ship in 2005 after voting no to get the Taiwan issue on the UN agenda! (I swear the rep – it wasn’t the actual ambassador – even had the cheek to claim he didn’t understand the question!)

But Paraguay, Taiwan’s sole ally in south America, should show some gratitude. I mean, the KMT was always willing to play host to  lovable dictator Alfredo Stroessnor when no one else would give the paedophilic  psychopath the time of day. And, given Taiwan’s record of training fascist torturers Latin American police forces, we might speculate that Paraguay’s late Torturer in Chief Pastor Coronel compared notes with his counterparts at the Taiwan Garrison Command.

Pastor Coronel: Wiki lists his professions as “politician” and “torturer”. I think the most accurate description would probably be “nasty cunt”.

So, Paraguay, in appreciation of this deep friendship has decided to waive visa requirements for Taiwanese visitors. Well, kind of. Well, actually, not really at all. The droves of Formosans positively itching to visit the exotic country are now able to pick up a visa on landing. Asuncion is offering “this preferential treatment unilaterally” for a mere US$100. A hundred jib for  a visa that’s supposedly not really a visa anymore?! Sounds like a proper piss take to me.

Considering British nationals can travel there for free, this doesn’t strike me as quite the diplomatic coup that MOFA Director-General of Central and South American Affairs Jaime Wu is making out when he gushes about  “greater convenience” and “Taiwan’s gratitude for the facility”. Grow a pair, mate, and politely ask the Paraguayans: “Are you lot having a laugh, you cheeky buggers?!”

On a related note, I’d recommend John Gimlette’s At the Tomb of the Inflatable Pig, a travel/history book on Paraguay. It’s magic and makes me want to visit the country to sample it’s craziness first hand. Be an opportunity for the gf to avail herself of the new “convenient” visa regulations, too …

There is no way that thing is mine!

OK, this story looks like it was from a couple of weeks back but FTNM has just got hold of it and I ain’t letting go!

Apparently this guy Jian Feng sued his wife for being ugly! Bad enough. But … drum roll … he WON!

It all started when his missus have birth and Jian noticed the baby was ugly as sin. Presumably Jian is god’s gift to the ladies (no pic available) …  Anyway, convinced there was no way he could’ve sired such a minger, he did what any man would do and drew the obvious conclusion: The missus must’ve been having it away with “Handsome Boy” Huang the local baker’s delivery boy (I may have made that last part up).

Rather than indulge in a customary round of slap the missus, Jian demanded to know what was going on. His wife finally fessed up that she had been burn a butters and had paid for $60-odd grand’s worth of plastic surgery to disguise her butt ugliness. So, quite justifiably, Jian sued her formerly-ugly ass for fraud or something like that.

The judges found in his favor as she had snared the poor fellow under “false pretenses”. Heaven knows what is going to happen to the baby, the poor lil gargoyle. Imagine when she grows up …

“Hey, isn’t that Mei Ling, the one who’s old man sued her mum when he saw how ugly she was?”

“Yeah, that’s her … Poor cow. To be fair, you can see his point though, eh?”