Cover Up: Taiwan’s Stripper’s Don’t Want to Expose Themselves!

It's getting hot out here, so take out your umbrella, as the rapper Nelly once didn't say ...

It’s getting hot out here, so take out your umbrella, as the rapper Nelly once didn’t say …

I know pop starlet Rihanna had a tune about umbrellas and she doesn’t wear a lot of clothes and is generally considered hot, but apart from that and umbrellas being vaguely dick-shaped, they’re not high on my sexy list.

In Taiwan in particular, umbrellas are fucking annoying and lame. Oooh, there’s a drizzle of rain … I might get wet … the terror! Ooooh, now it’s stopped raining and I detect a minuscule ray of sun peeping through the clouds … And that’s the blokes!Don’t even get me started on the ridiculously annoying people (particularly the old goats) who barge around with them everywhere, in crowded areas, invariably almost taking your eye out.

Although it narrows the field right down (there are some out there, though, believe me), I’ve made it a rule never to date any girl who takes out an umbrella to ward off the sun. I’m kind of an active bloke and like the great big outdoors. If a girl is the type whose going to be bandying an umbrella around at the slightest flicker of heat, then she’s unlikely to be the sort to like getting hot on sweaty on a three-hour hike. What level of adventurousness is such a person going to have, really? So umbrellas, oh, and fake, lenseless glasses that make you look like a complete prat … sorry ladies, FTNM don’t play that shit.

As I said, though, this narrows the field down big time. I mean, you know you’re in trouble when the strippers cover up! Look at these slappers on the back some truck in Shilin the other weekend. Firstly, they looked about as interested as a friendless teenager on downers in a Latin lesson as they jigged listlessly and lamely about.

But, the umbrellas?!  These are women whose very raison d’etre, as they say in Spanish, is to expose their olive skin to slobbering perverts like myself. I repeat: these dosy tarts are meant to strip and wiggle their shit, yet here they are lumbering about to the crappiest eurotrash dance electronica, sourfaced and WORSE, shielding themselves from the dangerous sun!

If this is what the “easy” “anything goes” types are like in Taiwan, god help us! When you add these lot to the wusses I mentioned in “handjob” post a couple of posts back, it is little bloody wonder – I find myself repeating- that the birth rates in this country are fucked!

Notice, also, that the truck has the name “Hot Show” written on it. ha!

Strippers who cover up! Taiwan weirdness to the max!

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Hey, I’ve got a great idea for a cool photo: Let’s all do the peace sign in front of a plane crash site

There are morons and then there are morons who descend to the very bowels of retardishness. THEN, even lower down festering in a mire a crapulence, there are these fuckheads. These complete fucking tools thought it would be cool to pose in front of the Keelung River in Taipei the day after the TransAsia plane crash  that killed at least 35 people. From the looks of it, the rescue operations are still continuing in the background.

"Hey, Shao Ming, did you get the boats in? Look, I think they're pulling up a body over there! Quick, quick!"

“Hey, Shao Ming, did you get the boats in? Look, I think they’re pulling up a body over there! Quick, quick!”

The pic has been doing the rounds on Facebook, with some people pointing out that the muckraking rag Apple Daily (think of an even more sensationalist and lowbrow version of Britain’s beloved The Sun) has got a cheek outing people for gawking at a disaster scene given their status as a premier purveyor of disaster porn (I remember them even putting photos of a journo who had got crushed while trying to take photos of a car crash once – no sooner had he become a victim than his peers were snapping away).

Either way, these people need a bloody good kicking. It’s really quite depressing …

Albino cockroach!  Actually, while I'd never seen one of these before, apparently they're pretty common and it just means they've shed their exoskeleton. It takes a couple of hours for the new one to harden and turn the shiny brown colour we all know and loathe. So if you're looking to squash one of these bastards, during their white phase is prime whacking time!

Albino cockroach!
Actually, while I’d never seen one of these before, apparently they’re pretty common and it just means they’ve shed their exoskeleton.
It takes a couple of hours for the new one to harden and turn the shiny brown colour we all know and loathe.
So if you’re looking to squash one of these bastards, during their white phase is prime whacking time!

Fat Jong Temple

Even fat people can have their own temples.

Even fat people can have their own temples.

Was hiking in Beitou recently and came across this bus stop. I actually went up the stairs nearby which led to the temple. Didn’t see Fat Jong anywhere. Apparently he’s particularly popular with worshippers in North Korea.

 

Are you sitting comfortably?

I don’t know much Chinese but one phrase that seems to be popular is “hen wayshen”, which means “very dangerous”. You hear this expression all the time. Taiwanese are constantly going on about how dangerous various things are: swimming (most of em can’t, even though it’s an island), not wearing enough clothing, associating with forriners, crossing the road, even breathing. Everything is “hen wayshen.”

The funny thing is, most of the stuff they say is dodgy is safe as houses, while they indulge in ludicrously and idiotically dangerous practices without so much as batting an eyelid.

Just look at this barmy (no, that’s not balmy, my Yank pals) contraption.

IMG_20140829_133834

This is some rickety little wicker chair tied onto a bicycle frame, presumably for the purpose of ferrying a little kid around. Said toddler is, of course, blissfully oblivious to the serious wayshenness of this stupidity and is, doubtless, not protected with any form of headgear, like 90 percent of the kids you seen on scooters around Taiwan, because that, you see, is not in the least wayshen.

As silly and amusing as this shit is, it’s actually pretty serious. People who ride tiny tots around on this deathtrap should be done for child abuse. Same goes for all the scooter riders who don’t put helmets on their kids, while wearing them themselves. Who do you think is going to get fucked up worse when coming off a bike – a grown adult who might be able to brace themselves or a baby who will be tossed through the air like a ragdoll?

The Taiwanese “wayshen” barometer is completely malfunctioning. The whole thing is bonkers.

On Your Bike, You Selfish Cretin

I think I'll stop here. It's as good a place as any.

I think I’ll stop here. It’s as good a place as any.

I don’t want to say Taiwan has a higher proportion of selfish twats than any other country but I seem to see individuals such as the one pictured below with such monotonous regularity that sometimes I have to wonder.

This woman has decided that traffic laws don’t apply to her and that traffic lights are just there for decoration. She Why oh why is it necessary to do this? It’s indicative of the this “must be first” mentality. When it’s old duffers, I can just about give them a pass but this was a youngish woman.

She started by edging through the red light from where I took the picture, then stopped right in the middle of the zebra crossing. When an elderly man and then a woman with two toddlers was were forced to go around her, she finally decided that maybe the middle of the channel that is reserved specifically for pedestrians (not that you would ever know it in Taiwan) wasn’t the best place to plonk herself. She then edged to the other side, a good five metres in front of the lights.

Why oh why do people think this is an acceptable way to behave on the road? What the fuck do they think the lights are there for? What is the limit to how far you can edge forward? Is that headstart soooo important? Am I allowed to punch people off their bikes for this? Can anyone answer these questions for me (ok, I think I know the answer to the last one)?

Fat Foreigners: If You Can’t Shoot Em, Ignore Em


警棍打歪 勇擒酒駕胖老外

Seems like Taiwan’s cops have been excelling at fucking over Laowai over the last week or so. I don’t get much of what was said in the Apple Daily video linked above but I understand the words for “fat” and “foreigner” and they seem to be saying them quite a lot, usually in conjunction with one another. The title itself is about how the brave cops bent their truncheon out of shape while apprehending a fat foreigner. If you missed it, apparently this guy was fat. Oh, and foreign.

The rest my missus explained. It appears the geezer was pissed up and tried to flee on his scooter, then got a bit punchy. So they shot him. As you do. Have heard a lot of Taiwanese saying “Well, in America they would have killed him”. So that’s all right then. We’re not in America. And I’m not American.

Then there was this poor fella. Apparently he got the shit kicked out of him for talking talking too loud one night in a park. The assailant was another laowai, so the cops decided it was a laowai-on-laowai thang and who are they to get involved in, er, domestic disputes? This fucker apparently has previous back in the States, including a couple of assaults and firearms stuff. Sounds like just the kind of chap you want teaching little ‘uns their ABCs. Despite bragging on his thuggery to another foreigner who he threatened to batter if he grassed on him, the vile shitpig seems to be getting away scot free. Think the cunt needs to be paid a little visit, though as a community, I guess we need to do all we can to nip the worrying trend of laowai-on-laowai violence in the bud before it takes more lives. That’s just what The Man wants …

I guess the philosophy from the authorities is, those we can’t shoot will hopefully all eventually beat each other to death. (Especially the fat ones). It’ll be a shame that there’ll be no one left around to teach the kids “American” but you can’t have your cake and eat it and all that …