Gotta Hand It To Him …


Further to my post (see a couple below) the other week about Taiwan’s TV wanking competition, it looks like having a tug could spell trouble in the afterlife.

No, you won’t necessarily be burning in the fiery depths of hell for eternity or even getting a through ticking off from the big man upstairs. But, your hands could get pregnant.

That’s according to an in-no-way-potty Turkish cleric, who you can read about in this article here from Turkey’s English-language Hurriyet Daily News.

Asked by a viewer who admitted he had something of a wanking problem what the Koran’s stance on banging the old bishop is:

Han claimed that Islam strictly prohibits masturbation as a “haram” (forbidden) act. “Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he said, referring to what he claimed to be a saying of Prophet Muhammad.

A mate of mine who currently resides in the country sent this along to me, hoping to avert impending disaster in the afterlife for me, and thank goodness he did. With the furious meat beating that I’ve engaged in, I reckon I’ll have more children than Screaming Jay Hawkins sprouting from my palms! And that’s just based on tonight’s “handy-work!”

For some reason, people took to social media to ridicule the ant-wanking cleric, with one netizen tweeting:

Are there any hand-gynaecologists in the afterlife? Is abortion allowed there?

Believe you me, they won’t be laughing when, after they depart from this world, they find themselves with scores of mewling brats literally on their hands …


Cover Up: Taiwan’s Stripper’s Don’t Want to Expose Themselves!

It's getting hot out here, so take out your umbrella, as the rapper Nelly once didn't say ...

It’s getting hot out here, so take out your umbrella, as the rapper Nelly once didn’t say …

I know pop starlet Rihanna had a tune about umbrellas and she doesn’t wear a lot of clothes and is generally considered hot, but apart from that and umbrellas being vaguely dick-shaped, they’re not high on my sexy list.

In Taiwan in particular, umbrellas are fucking annoying and lame. Oooh, there’s a drizzle of rain … I might get wet … the terror! Ooooh, now it’s stopped raining and I detect a minuscule ray of sun peeping through the clouds … And that’s the blokes!Don’t even get me started on the ridiculously annoying people (particularly the old goats) who barge around with them everywhere, in crowded areas, invariably almost taking your eye out.

Although it narrows the field right down (there are some out there, though, believe me), I’ve made it a rule never to date any girl who takes out an umbrella to ward off the sun. I’m kind of an active bloke and like the great big outdoors. If a girl is the type whose going to be bandying an umbrella around at the slightest flicker of heat, then she’s unlikely to be the sort to like getting hot on sweaty on a three-hour hike. What level of adventurousness is such a person going to have, really? So umbrellas, oh, and fake, lenseless glasses that make you look like a complete prat … sorry ladies, FTNM don’t play that shit.

As I said, though, this narrows the field down big time. I mean, you know you’re in trouble when the strippers cover up! Look at these slappers on the back some truck in Shilin the other weekend. Firstly, they looked about as interested as a friendless teenager on downers in a Latin lesson as they jigged listlessly and lamely about.

But, the umbrellas?!  These are women whose very raison d’etre, as they say in Spanish, is to expose their olive skin to slobbering perverts like myself. I repeat: these dosy tarts are meant to strip and wiggle their shit, yet here they are lumbering about to the crappiest eurotrash dance electronica, sourfaced and WORSE, shielding themselves from the dangerous sun!

If this is what the “easy” “anything goes” types are like in Taiwan, god help us! When you add these lot to the wusses I mentioned in “handjob” post a couple of posts back, it is little bloody wonder – I find myself repeating- that the birth rates in this country are fucked!

Notice, also, that the truck has the name “Hot Show” written on it. ha!

Strippers who cover up! Taiwan weirdness to the max!

Just popped in on a mate who's had his first sprog. Good luck to the lad - he'll need it. You won't catch FTNM getting caught in that particular trap any time soon. But I digress ...  Check out the list of

Just popped in on a mate who’s had his first sprog. Good luck to the lad – he’ll need it. You won’t catch FTNM getting caught in that particular trap any time soon …

Check out the list of “banned” items at the hospital. It’s special, consisting of:

1) No lions
2) No fags (stop it!)
3) No bears in masks superimposed on flowers.
4) No loudspeakers.

As long as you don’t have any of those items, you’re good.

Fancy a free handjob from a scantily clad semi-hottie? No! Leave me alone!

Taiwanese men. Seriously.OK, not all, but don’t deny a high percentage come across like serious wusses when it comes to the fairer sex.

Picture the scene:

It’s a typically muggy summer’s afternoon in Taipei and you’re ambulating down a lane, scooters zipping past, amah’s haggling with street trader’s, the foul scent of cho dofu assailin your nostrils and, lo and behold, a couple of half nekkid floozies that look like they just stepped out of the local knocking shop run up and grab you, one on each arm.

“Fancy a handjob?” they chirp, sweetly as finches (alright, squawk, shrill as tortured magpies). “No strings attached, it’s just for a TV competition between us two to see who can bring a guy off first?”

Naturally you recoil in horror and tell these wanton strumpets to get to fuck. What the bloody ada do they think they’re about, soliciting random sexual encounters with an upstanding pillar of the community such as yourself? You have a good mind to report them to the author-

What’s that? Hold on a second? Let’s give this some more thought? Oh, you WOULDN’T answer like that?


Unless, you were

A) Batting for the other side

B) …

Yeah, A’s pretty much where it’s at. Man, FTNM here would be down the first available alley, trousers round ankles, getting some warmups in before the main event.

“But we’re supposed to wait until we get to the studio. It’s a competition.”

“Well, we need to make sure we’re good and prepared, eh? Practice makes perfect, etc.”

So check out this utter jessie on this video below. The fool actually refuses a free five-knuckle-shuffle off a pair of Asian AV-video act-a-likes!

God knows what this “choking the chicken” show is but, lord, sign me the fuck up pronto. Preferably with the brass on the left who, I note, is the “winner” as she has her lucky “teammate” gushing forth first – he’s actually the winner here, let’s face it.

As for anyone who rejects such advances, they are LOSERS! No wonder I hear the birth rate is one of the lowest in the world here. Pitiful.

Edit: For some reason the video stopped showing up with the link from Facebook, so I’ve reposted from YouTube. If, as I suspect, it is being stopped because the peeps at WordPress, which hosts this blog, are little prudes, then just google “Taiwan Hang Chicken” and you’ll soon get the picture!