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Mr. Chen felt sure the sign for his new car repair shop was a sure-fire winner.

Mr. Chen felt sure the sign for his new car repair shop was a sure-fire winner.

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Fuck my Missus? I’ll Put My Foot in Yo Ass! IN yo ass.

A genuine x-ray of a foot in a rectum.

A genuine x-ray of a foot in a rectum.

I’ve seen some oddball news on the site yourjewishnews.com before but this is another level. The English is all dodgy and it’s hard to determine whether this guy killed his mate with a swift kick in the sphincter or whether he literally inserted his foot into the anus. the bemused newscaster, cops and chuckling interviewees  seem to be in no doubt its the latter.

The cop looks Monty Python-esque in his seriousness, but the piece de resistance is the interviewer with: “Why did you choose such a method?” Brilliant!

 

 

711 in Disgraceful Discount Shocker!

And here's one I stole earlier: Buy one, get the second one for 80 percent of the price. Or not.

Buy one, get the second one for 80 percent of the price. Or not.

I can read fuck all chinese, but you can bet your life I’ve figured out the hieroglyphs for important shit. “20 percent off the second can” is a good one to know. Or not. Maybe.

I’ve had some ridiculous refusals without satisfactory explanation in all kinds of service environments in Taiwan. Even so, when I removed the sign from the the rack on the fridge and brought it to them to prove fact that I was entitled to a discount (in taiwan  they tell you the percentage of the second item – in this case 80 percent of the original cost –  rather than the percentage you save, as  in the West, which kind of makes sense) and they still insisted ‘mei banfa’, I was gobsmacked.

It was the second time I’d been denied in a day on these particular beers. The first time (a sly lunch slurp) I’d let it lie as it was lunch time, i was with a lady friend, and i couldn’t be arsed. The friend suggested the deal must’ve been at a different chain of convenience stores. I knew it couldn’t be because these beers are a 711/Suntory joint venture.

Anyway, this second time, as I trundled home tonight, I really did kick up a fuss, getting a tubby local geezer in the queue on my side along the way. My big point was that the ‘opening date’ for the offer on the sign (4/17) was today and that, as  I’d been availing myself of this deal for weeks (first put onto it by me old mate Rasbret), something was amiss. Tubbster and I finally figured out that the signs for the discount  started a month late and ended a month early. Clerical error, it would appear. Still, having in my hand what you can see above, with the dates clearly delineated, I think they have a cheek denying me of my discount.

I actually had to stop at two more 7-11s to steal the badge of honour (it took me three stops to realise the mininions were in terror once this faux pas was exposed and so i had to teef it on the sly) and – whaddya know – as I went to procure the evidence, I was barged out of the way by a couple who were buying these beers on the exact same discount vibe. For once i just shut up and watched.

OK, I didn’t. I asked if they were going for the discount.  They confirmed that they thought they were getting a  deal as they plucked the bevs from the fridge. I disavowed them. The guy believed me but Ms. Miggins, his Missus Miggins, kept tapping the sign and repeating ‘there’s a discount’, (I repeated ‘Yes, I know, but it’s finished’) until she got blanked by the cashier and then suddenly pretended I didn’t exist .  Hubby looked me in the face like a real man and said ‘than you’.

The main moan = 711 are refusing to honour offers that are there in black and white for all to see. SKANK. According to their shit, this deal is on til June. Bollocks to the lot of em.

 

Why Let Facts Get in the Way of a Crap Meme?

50 percent and a load of irrelevant waffle … Must try harder.

The amount of idiotic memes doing the rounds at the moment seems to be increasing exponentially by the day. ‘Like if you hate cancer’ (Me? I love it!) … Like and this poor fucker gets a new dick … This shit has been exposed ages ago as ‘like farming’ and decent articles have been trying to hammer the message home ever since, but way too many people are – frankly – just clueless when it comes to the old Intranet.

This one above that has been circulating in Taiwan is not a scam as such, rather just very crap. Let’s do like MC Hammer and breggidown:

 

1) Lowest birthrate: wrong.

2) Last country using traditional characters: wrong (they’re used in Hong Kong and Macau, which are basically provinces of China. If you want to argue that they aren’t, well trad. characters are also used in Guangzhou and by calligraphers all over China. So shut it.)

3) Slightly bigger than Belgium: Pretty much true but so the fuck what? How about almost bang-on the same size as Guinea-Bissau or a third the size of Somaliland? What, not so cool?

4) Not Thailand: Erm …

5) Not in the UN: Yep.

6) First democracy: Tosh. Maybe they meant Republic, but leaving aside the fact that that lasted a couple of months, it would still be wrong.

7) Highest density of convenience stores: Congratulations!

8) Reading on a Taiwanese product: Nope. Well, at least not a Taiwanese brand.

9) Not a part of China: (genuine) Yay!

10) 100th birthday: Oh dear … Not this old chestnut again. 1911 … What was Taiwan’s status at the time. Rising Sun flags hoisted around the island as far as I’m aware. More rubbish.

So that’s 5/10, I make it. and of the half that are factual, I’d say two are vaguely worth writing home about. Not the best advertisement of how much you love your country this one, peeps.

The Queen is Dead. Long Live Maggie Thatcher!

These old white chrumblies all look the same to me ...

These old white chrumblies all look the same to me …

It’s no news that Taiwanese people are in general shockingly insular when it comes to world affairs. I once had to oversee a general knowledge quiz at a high school and was astounded when hardly anyone in a class of 30-odd had heard of Nelson Mandela or knew what the capital of Spain is (I think, maybe two or three people knew Madrid and Mandela rang a bell for a couple).

In this blissful ignorance, as in most things, they seem to be aping the great nation whose ‘culture’ they so admire. But even the Yanks would surely not make such a pig’s ear of this one. In fact, they definitely wouldn’t as they couldn’t get enough of the old hag as all today’s gushing tributes indicate (Clinton’s fawning was particularly nauseating).

Basically mega-shite (according to foreign and taiwanese pals) TV channel CTI reported that the Iron Lady popped her clogs but ran pics and vids of the Queen. Oh dear. Interesting, they do show Maggie right at the end and look who’s she’s chilling with: her old mate Augusto Pince-nez. Great split-second of footage to choose. For all the Taiwanese I saw on FB today offering condolences and saying how sad it was and the like, you might want to look into who the harridan kept company with.

Anyway, the whole hilarious gaffe can be found here.  This is such an appalling fuck up that you’d expect heads to roll and some real soul searching; only this is Taiwan, so you wouldn’t, really. As usual I noticed that a lot of the commentary that my missus translated referred to how this embarrassed the country and made everyone ‘lose face’. Like 95 percent of anyone watching noticed anyway! All about face as ever, rather than the fact of being ignorant. As long as know one knows, everything’s all right …