Just saw this monstrosity opposite Shinkong Life Tower at Taipei Main Station. I think it’s new as I’m around there quite a bit and am sure I would have noticed it before.

It’s basically an entrance to the underground. Where the people are standing under the light and in front of another ad, there’s a lift to take you down.

Not content with splashing their Golden Shower Arches everywhere in Taiwan, as in pretty much every other corner of the world, McDumpald’s have to ruin the landscape further with this grotesque monument to their crassness! It appears to be a group of eager young Chicken McNuggets queueing up to plunge off a diving board.Your guess is as good as anyone’s!

What a steaming pile of shit, honestly.

Slightly making up for it was this ingenious charging station for mobile phones opposite, sponsored by Durex. You stick something in the hole and Durex make sure you’re protected, well, charged … er, yeah, you get the picture.

Phone Sex. Oh come on,that was begging for it!

Phone Sex. Oh come on,that was begging for it!



I’ll Give You 10 to 1 that Old Huang Won’t Make It to the End of the Week

Taiwanese are some of the most superstitious people you’re ever likely to come across, particular when it comes to death and the afterlife: No whistling at night cos it summons ghosts; no letting kids walk past those pain-in-the-arse funeral marquees that block off entire streets; no fourth floors or things involving the number four in general as it sounds like the word for death – the list of irrational practices is mind-boggling.

So, despite the weirdities that one regularly comes across living on this little island,  to read that punters in Taichung are taking bets on when cancer patients will die is actually pretty surprising.

The story was apparently first reported by Britain’s own Daily Mirror and has subsequently been doing the rounds on Facebook. Relatives and even doctors at hospitals in the city are in on the betting, which has become a lucrative NT$100m industry. Even more mean-spirited is the fact that the bettors are oldsters themselves. The idea of them rubbing their hands together in anticipation as they watch their peers drop like flies is unsavoury but undeniably comical (pretty much straight out of the Old Gits sketch above).

With permission from the family (come on now, you don’t think these people are completely without scruple do you?), those wanting to have a flutter are allowed to give the patients the once over to give them an informed idea about when the poor bastards will shuffle off their mortal coil.

With staff involved, one does have to wonder about ‘dead’ cert tips courtesy of a helping hand …

“He won’t last past Wednesday?”

“Are you sure about that, Dr. Lee?”

“Oh, believe me, I can guarantee it”

Merry Fucking Christmas


Now, FTNM is hardly backward in coming forward when it comes to effing and blinding and generally hurling vile invective around but it really does get on my man tits when I see shit like the above.

This is the window of some poncey boutique store in the Dunhua area. Again, it ain’t that I’m prudish when it comes to the profanity but this is a ‘normal’ clothing store like you’d see in any (reasonably) developed city. Why the fuck are they using the word fuck when they have no FUCKING clue what they are on about?

The day before I’d seen a little rat-haired twat bowling down the street with a massively oversized cap emblazoned with FUCK OFF. I stared at him as he walked past and he looked acutely embarrassed and was clearly aware of the import of the words (though perhaps he suddenly realised that he looked like a golf club). Why wear that shit then?

Let me explain. Native/Fluent speakers of a language have the right to wear shit like this and make cocks of themselves as they understand the intricacies of the lingo.

Foreigners who use expletives in public may have experienced looks of disapproval from locals who have no idea how the words are being used. I have had this happen several times and received frowns or shocked looks when I dropped a ‘fuck’ or, more commonly, the adjectival form into a conversation with a friend. Sometimes the gawker looks on as if they expect a row to break out right there as I am clearly affronting the person I am speaking to by using such a word. Basically, to such people, ‘fuck’ just equals ‘fuck off’ or ‘fuck you’ in every context.

Most of the people who wear or use curse words in English are basically in the same boat. They have no clue about the context, the appropriateness or, as it were, the time and the place to use swear words. They don’t have a grip of the cultural background, the social mores and all the little nuances that inform the sacred art of swearing. A man like FTNM, therefore, who has no qualms in telling any old fucker to get to fuck, nonetheless cringes and baulks at idiotic and ignorant uses of good old Anglo-Saxon like this.

Really, don’t run before you can walk. If you don’t know exactly how a word or phrase will be received, don’t utter or write it without thinking long and hard. Certainly don’t have it splattered across your T-shirt or shop window in massive, ostentatious writing for all and sundry to see. You might look like a right fucking  prick.