Pig Swill

Saw this porker eagerly slurping from his owner’s beer can the other night while out for a walk. “I bought him when he was very little,” said the guy. “They told me that he was just a mini pig and would stay small.” Oh dear … The lager probably doesn’t help. Still, the pair of em seemed as happy pigs in … well, you know.

Begging the Question

Outside an MRT station – I forget which one … Quite a few of them don hats to protect themselves from the sun. didn’t the Buddha starve himself in the jungle, exposed to the elements? These guys want us to believe they are roughing it but I don’t see any of the poverty-stricken street paupers in Taipei wearing hats!

There are beggars the world over and Taipei is no exception. I give them a few shekels now and then, buy them some grub – heck I’ve even shared a bev with one or two in my time (though generally I don’t give em cash if I think they’re just going to booze it away).

These down-on-their-luck tramps of the normal variety I’ve never had ant real beef with. It’s the professional mendicants with the veneer of piety on their side that get my goat. Don’t get me wrong: of the religions I’ve come across, the Buddhist and Taoist beliefs in Taiwan seem the most tolerant and least in your face. By that I mean they don’t go around like the fucking Mor(m)ons proselytising and harassing all and sundry with their crap.

Inside Taipei Main Station: This guy was unabashedly going up to everyone he came across – even a disabled geezer as you can see here.

But I don’t like the fact that superstitious Taiwanese (like my girlfriend) are cowed into giving religious beggars money by the the thought that it’s doing em some karmic good. In many cases these same people wouldn’t think twice about giving the dirty tramp outside the 711 a penny but they get all terrified into coughing up as soon as they see some baldy ‘nun’ or ‘monk’ in an orange cloak with an official card round their neck approving their scrounging and a metal bowl. Some of these lot sit there kowtowing, pressing their heads off the pavement to add to the guilt trip.

It ain’t like we never had this shit in Europe back in the day but there’s a reason why begging for alms died out there hundred of years ago. Simply put, no one thinks they’ll rot in hell if they don’t give some holy fraud money. Not that all of these lot are frauds in the sense that they are knowingly ripping people off. I’m sure some of them believe in the sanctity of their calling. I just happen to believe it’s complete hogwash.

Here’s the geezer from shipai texting away on his iphone. Note the nice watch and the hefty satchel crammed with his lucky charms and ill-gotten gains.

In some cases, though, they are definitely crooked. I’ve seen a couple who are constantly shifting their eyes about em, looking to see if they are being observed before emptying their bowls full of crisp hundreds that they’ve made from their tough morning loafing into their pockets or wallets. Why? So the next hapless fool that wants a bunk up to Nirvana won’t see that they’re positively rolling in the readies. A bowl overflowing with notes doesn’t go with the image of the humble ascetic that these lot are trying to project.

Even those con men, though, pale into insignificance compared to new breed of aggressive ‘religious’ panhandlers I’ve come across in Taipei recently. I’ve seen these types in Southeast Asia and India but only here more recently. Their favoured technique is to get your attention and before you realise it, try and hand you some stupid little laminated ‘Buddhist’ image. Once you have it in your hand (which FTNM being an on-his-toes type who would never fall for such lame techniques never has), you are ‘obliged’ to give the fuckers a donation. The other day near Guting MRT, one of these ne’er-do-wells attempted this style on me. When I told him to do one, he followed me down the street declaring ‘No, no, no, no!’ (I’m not sure what this repeated denial was about but from his tone, rather than telling me  I wasn’t allowed to refuse his advances, I think he was attempting to stress that he wasn’t engaging in any chicanery).

Here he is again, fleeing the scene. Once the old turd knew I was on to him, he scurried off like a rat up a drainpipe.

Another time I saw a guy (see two pics above) skulking about in Tienmu (they are moving up in the world), attempting to force his trinkets on people (even going in shops and disturbing owners and customers). Later I caught sight of him scoffing MacDonald’s fries, washed down with a large Coke in a shady nook of a park near the market in nearby Shipai. When the old charlatan noticed me trying to snap photos (I’m pretty sure he recognised me from earlier), he quickly got up and hurried off heading for the MRT station. As (for him, bad) luck would have it, I happened to be going the same way and tailed him at a leisurely pace.

We ended up on the same MRT carriage and – lo and behold – the toerag only goes and pulls out an iPhone and starts texting. An iPhone ffs! I don’t have a bloody iPhone. On his wrist was a chunky watch that looked like it was pretty good quality. When to his dismay he spotted me spotting him again, he got up at the next stop and and got off the MRT. Suspecting a ruse,  I peered out the door and saw him scampering down the platform to re-enter further down. Needless to say, his terror was tenfold when he looked up from the latest priority seat he had occupied those couple of carriages down and there I was standing right in front of him again.

By the way, I’ve also heard that ‘official, accredited’ spongers like him (he had a card round his neck when he was roaming the streets, though who knows if it was fake) get subsidised or free MRT passes. Is that coming from taxpayers money?

This hefty looking bloke was hanging around in a lane downtown looking like a cross between an American convict in an orange jumpsuit and an astronaut.

Anyway, I think these ponces have a bloody cheek and that in most case they are bone idlers who need a good slap rather than the fawning respect that some seem to think they merit. I do have some other better pictures of some of the more aggro ones, people who go into shops trying to hand out these ‘cards’ but as I can’t seen to find them right now, I’ve just included a few of the more shady characters I’ve seen around town, especially the fellow I’ve just mentioned.

I’m not trying to say Taiwanese, or anyone, should stop giving to beggars. Each to their own. Charity, giving or whatever people want to call it, is admirable when well-directed. But I just don’t get why the poorest, dirtiest bums get routinely ignored while the ‘religious’ mendicants seem to get swamped with dosh. Do people really believe that you’ll earn more karma by giving to these ‘spiritual’ types when many of them are clearly nothing but hucksters? Even the genuinely ‘pious’ ones usually look much better off than the average tramp.

Whatever. I’ll stick to the really needy and leave others (including my gf and her fam) to be suckered in the name of religion!

Bird Shit

Now FTNM is no art critic but we knows what we like and this sure ain’t it. It looks like some lame attempt to copy the “superflat” crap of Takashi Murakami. As that Japanese artist is, in my opinion, an utter fucking charlatan along with pretty much 90 percent of “contemporary” artists these days, this is even worse that shit.

“Daydream”, as it is called, stands in Taipei Main Station near one of the exits to the Q Square Mall and Taipei Bus Station. The placard describing the point behind the monstrosity is filled with insight.

Oh, so that’s what it means … Wait. It’s still shit.

“Water” apparently “flows from the bird head covering the young girl’s face”. Hmmm, perhaps I’m missing something. “A girl that would never grow up”. OK, maybe starting to make something approaching sense now. “A pencil that will never write”. Nope. Free flow bollocks again. Best of all is the fact that she’s “caught between montion and stillness.” I don’t see much “montion” going on myself, but – hey – what do I know.

Meanwhile, I dread to think how much taxpayer’s dough was spunked on this eyesore. Ridiculous.

Ear Ear!

Ooooooh, yes.

Free tissues are quite a common thing in Taipei. They are usually given out to drum up trade for some business or other, often outside MRT stations. During elections you get the various candidates giving them out with airbrushed pictures of themselves and their running mates raising clenched fists and their respective electoral numbers on the front.

As with the handing out of most flyers, foreigners are usually given a wide berth with these things. So when a gaggle of heavily made-up slappers in purple uniforms approached me on Guangfu Road the other day and foisted their packets upon me, I was taken aback – in a good way, of course.

These were advertising a massage parlour called shining star. I’m not sure whether they offer “special” massagey there, but “basic consumption” for a mere NT$550 certainly sounds promising (the tissues might well come in handy at the end). For those looking to, ahem, splash out, there’s the “healthy massage” at NT$1,650 for 90 minutes. But what will catch any discerning gent’s eye will surely be the offer of “picking thy ears” for a bargain NT$450.  Ace.

I’m not picky …

Doggy Style

Just as I’d got down all fours, I noticed Puli don’t play that shit!

I’ve seen my fair share of daft signs in Taiwan and more than a few in public toilets. Recently yer man at Ozsoapbox posted this but I reckon I have him beat! Granted, I think this one, which I scoped  in a bar in Puli Township in Nantou County a while back is, er, a bit of a piss take. But still … having experienced the sticky-piss squelch of some of the floors around the urinals in this country, it wouldn’t surprise me if one or two fuckwits had attempted the canine technique …